Monday, February 21, 2005

another level

bought a red mogu in the shape of a star for keongz..its like a good luck charm b4 his NUS biathlon race..something to boost his morale and i made a card for him too. came out wif a really nice poem..and truthfully, i'm darn proud of myself. here it is..

No matter what happens tomorrow,
You will always be my SUPERSTAR, the one who trains religiously, ran his first Marathon, completes his first Triathlon, and i look forward to the day where you complete your first IRONMAN.

No matter how lost i am,
You will always be my GUIDING STAR, the one who teaches me the way, shows me the way, and lights up my path.

No matter how unromantic you are,
You will always be my HONEYSTAR, the one who showers me with love, cares for me and treats me like a STAR.

No matter whatever,
You will always be my NUMBER ONE STAR,
the one and only star in my sky.

sweet rite? heh..so after i spent my day opening an a/c at uob, rushed to orchard to get the mogu, went visiting at my uncle's place, i dropped by at his place around afternoon wif his prezzie and 3 episodes of OC.

we spent the remaining afternoon watching the drama..and went over to parkway for a simple dinner. strangely..things didn't turn out that well.

i invited him to take part in the X-physique..wif me..but as usual, i anticipated his negative reply but was still hoping that he will be interested in the race. and he said something over dinner which upsetted me quite a bit.

him: are u sure u are up to it?
silence...
him: are you okie?
me: yeah..juz thinking about some stuff..need to reorganize my thoughts.
him: u know wat..u shouldn't take wat i said too seriously.
me: then maybe you should think carefully first before u speak.

i think i sort of snapped the last line at him. but i was really hurt.

me: maybe u haven't seen me done certain things b4..or maybe you have seen me done certain things not too well..but sometimes i think u r undermining my abilities.

and wat happens juz reminded me about how i feel towards ****...ever since our 2nd breakup, i have always feel inferior to her. i'm not smarter than her, not prettier than her, not as atheletic as her...and it was a big blow to me that he was a little interested in her at that time.at least that was wat i felt. but anyway, that was history. for the past 2 years..i've straightened out my thoughts. why should i be jealous or even feel inferior towards her? i have him and she doesn't...and please..she doesn't even like him. and wat kp said is true..i have been wif him for close to 7 years...there muz be certain things he likes about me...if not, how can we be togther for so many years?

i wanted to tell him that..but was afraid that it might affect his race. he walked me to the bus stop;

him: do u find me bored?
me: no..in fact, i can take it if i have to spend every single day wif you. but u can't rite?
both: hahaha

me: actually...ever since last yr's jan..my 21st bday, i felt that we have moved on to another level. wat u did for my bday, letting me into ur life, introducing ur frenz like alvin and wayne to me, sharing ur dreams wif me.

in fact, ever since that jan, i felt more loved than b4. maybe the word is reassured. i know that he really loves and care for me..ya..he's not that expressive kind..but precisely coz he's not the expressive kind, so little things and actions by him, means a lot to me. and even though sometimes he doesn't care about me explictly that much, but i know he loves me deep inside his heart. like wed nite, he waited till 2+ am in the morning..juz to make sure i was back safely from my run. i felt really bad...but was tremendously touched.

but i yearn for the day where we can try out new stuff..do new things together. i'm not using these stuff to bring our relationship into another level and i'm not saying we have to do these stuff in order to advance to another stage. and yes, we can do without all these...but doing stuff together juz mean something else to me...doing things together will make us feel closer and more bonder...of course, i can take it if we do stuff differently, play diff sports and feel passionate about diff stuff. i can also feel closer to him by juz being a supporter..but it is better to share the same interests.

anyway...come to think about it. we don;t realy have a lot of common interests..but hey..we have been together for 6+ years...so it certainly is fine. maybe i'm asking too much..maybe he is juz not ready..

but no worries..he held me and i gave him a peck b4 i board the bus. so all is well...and he's satisfied about his race today...though results are still not out yet.

Rouge a-hemmed @ 12:00 AM 0 rockers